My therapist introduced me to this book back in 2018 or 2019, maybe. I didn't read it back then, but I see that it could've been very valuable to me at the time. But it's usually the case that you read a book when you're ready for it, so maybe I wasn't ready to absorb its message back then. I have now. It's a powerful way to be introduced to the concept of self-compassion. It's normal to me now, but previously, it would've been a totally new way of thinking for me. I think I'll include this book in the self-care and personal growth book club that I'm starting. It's important for others to read, especially if they haven't ever considered embracing self-compassion for themselves.

“So what’s the answer? To stop judging and evaluating ourselves altogether. To stop trying to label ourselves as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and simply accept ourselves with an open heart. To treat ourselves with the same kindness, caring, and compassion we would show to a good friend, or even a stranger for that matter. Sadly, however, there’s almost no one whom we treat as badly as ourselves.” pg. 6

“From the Buddhist point of view, you have to care about yourself before you can really care about other people. If you are continually judging and criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation. This is the opposite of oneness, interconnection, and universal love—the ultimate goal of most spiritual paths, no matter which tradition.” pg. 7

“Although thousands of articles had been written on the importance of self-esteem, researchers were now starting to point out all the traps that people can fall into when they try to get and keep a sense of high self-esteem: narcissism, self-absorption, self-righteous anger, prejudice, discrimination, and so on. I realized that self-compassion was the perfect alternative to the relentless pursuit of self-esteem. Why? Because it offers the same protection against harsh self-criticism as self-esteem, but without the need to see ourselves as perfect or as better than others. In other words, self-compassion provides the same benefits as high self-esteem without its drawbacks.” pg. 8

“Compassion, then, involves the recognition and clear seeing of suffering. It also involves feelings of kindness for people who are suffering, so that the desire to help—to ameliorate suffering—emerges. Finally, compassion involves recognizing our shared human condition, flawed and fragile as it is.” pg. 10

“Self-compassion, by definition, involves the same qualities. First, it requires that we stop to recognize our own suffering. We can’t be moved by our own pain if we don’t even acknowledge that it exists in the first place. Of course, sometimes the fact that we’re in pain is blindingly obvious and we can think of nothing else. More often that you might think, however, we don’t recognize when we are suffering. . . . If we’re in a difficult or stressful situation, we rarely take the time to step back and recognize how hard it is for us in the moment.” pg. 10-11

“One of the downsides of living in a culture that stresses the ethic of independence and individual achievement is that if we don’t continually reach our ideal goals, we feel that we only have ourselves to blame. And if we’re at fault, that means we don’t deserve compassion, right? The truth is, everyone is worthy of compassion. The very fact that we are conscious human beings experiencing life on the planet means that we are intrinsically valuable and deserving of care.” pg. 11

“Many people are resistant to the idea of self-compassion, however. Isn’t it really just a form of self-pity? Or a dressed-up word for self-indulgence? . . . As you’ll come to see, self-compassion involves wanting health and well-being for oneself and leads to proactive behavior to better one’s situation, rather than passivity. And self-compassion doesn’t mean that I think my problems are more important than yours, it just means I think that my problems are also important and worthy of being attended to.” pg. 12

“When we soothe our agitated minds with self-compassion, we’re better able to notice what’s right as well as what’s wrong, so that we can orient ourselves toward that which gives us joy.” pg. 13

New vocabulary word:
floccinaucinihilipilification - the habit of estimating something as worthless.

“Although it’s important for us to see our psychological patterns clearly, it’s equally important that we do not judge ourselves for them. If you are a habitual self-critic, remember that your behavior actually represents a convoluted form of self-care, an attempt to keep yourself safe and on track. You don’t want to beat yourself up for beating yourself up in the vain hope that it will somehow make you stop beating yourself up. Just as hate can’t conquer hate—but only strengthens and reinforces it—self-judgment can’t stop self-judgment.” pg. 34

“The best way to counteract self-criticism, therefore, is to understand it, have compassion for it, and then replace it with a kinder response. By letting ourselves be moved by the suffering we have experienced at the hands of our own self-criticism, we strengthen our desire to heal.” pg. 34

“At the same time, we can let go of the need to feel better than others. We can see through the self-serving distortions that inflate our own egos at others’ expense.” pg. 35

“As I’ve defined it, self-compassion entails three core components. First, it requires self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental. Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering. Third, it requires mindfulness—that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it. We must achieve and combine these three essential elements in order to be truly self-compassionate.” pg. 41

“Fortunately, we don’t have to solely rely on others to change our self views. When we consistently give ourselves nurturance and understanding, we also come to feel worthy of care and acceptance. When we give ourselves empathy and support, we learn to trust that help is always at hand. When we wrap ourselves in the warm embrace of self-kindness, we feel safe and secure.” pg. 46-47

“When we experience warm and tender feelings toward ourselves, we are altering our bodies as well as our minds. Rather than feeling worried and anxious, we feel calm, content, trusting, and secure. Self-kindness allows us to feel safe as we respond to painful experiences, so that we are no longer operating from a place of fear—and once we let go of insecurity we can pursue our dreams with the confidence needed to actually achieve them.” pg. 49

“One of the most important ways we can be kind to ourselves involves changing our critical self-talk. Marshall Rosenberg, author of the bestselling book Nonviolent Communication, stresses the importance of using sympathetic rather than judgmental language when we talk to ourselves. He argues that to be at peace with ourselves, we should reframe our inner dialogues so that they express empathy for our basic human needs. Rosenberg’s suggested method for doing so involves asking four simple questions:
- What am I observing?
- What am I feeling?
- What am I needing right now?
- Do I have a request of myself or someone else?
These four questions allow us to listen deeply to what we need most in the moment.” pg. 51-52

“Self-compassion is a gift available to anyone willing to open up to themselves. When we develop he habit of self-kindness, suffering becomes an opportunity to experience love and tenderness from within. No matter how difficult things get, we can always wrap our torn and tattered selves in our own soft embrace. We can soothe and comfort our own pain, just as a child is soothed and comforted by her mother’s arms. We don’t have to wait until we are perfect, until life goes exactly as we want it to. We don’t need others to respond with care and compassion in order to feel worthy of love. We don’t need to look outside ourselves for the acceptance and security we crave. This is not to say that we don’t need other people. Of course we do. But who is in the best position to know how you really feel underneath that cheerful facade? Who is most likely to know the full extent of the pain and fear you face, to know what you need most? Who is the only person in your life who is available 24/7 to provide you with care and kindness? You.” pg. 60

“That’s why it’s so important to transform our relationship with ourselves by recognizing our inherent interconnectedness. If we can compassionately remind ourselves in moments of falling down that failure is part of the shared human experience, then that moment becomes one of togetherness rather than isolation. When our troubled, painful experiences are framed by the recognition that countless others have undergone similar hardships, the blow is softened. The pain still hurts, but it doesn’t become compounded by feelings of separation.” pg. 65

“One of the saddest consequences of social comparison is how we distance ourselves from people whose success makes us feel bad about ourselves. . . .
The sad irony is that they very reason we want to succeed in the first place is because we want to feel accepted and worthy, to be close to others, to feel that we belong. . . . The very act of competing with others for success sets up an unwindable situation in which the feelings of connectedness we crave are forever out of reach.” pg. 67

“Fortunately, psychologists have discovered that when our sense of belonging extends to the whole human community rather than stopping at the boundaries of our own social groups, conflict is dramatically lessened. As long as we recognize that we are interconnected rather than distinct entities, understanding and forgiveness can be extended to oneself and others with fewer barriers in between.” pg. 68

“This is why the recognition of common humanity embedded in self-compassion is such a powerful healing force. When our sense of self-worth and belonging is grounded in simply being human, we can’t be rejected or cast out by others. Our humanity can never be taken away from us, no matter how far we fall. The very fact that we are imperfect affirms that we are card-carrying members of the human race and are therefore always, automatically, connected to the whole.” pg. 69

“Being human is not about being any one particular way; it is about being as life creates you—with your own particular strengths and weaknesses, gifts and challenges, quirks and oddities. By accepting and embracing the human condition. . .” pg. 79

“It’s not surprising that we often ignore our own pain, given that we’re physiologically programmed to avoid it. Pain signals that something is wrong, triggering our fight-or-flight response. . . . Because of our innate tendency to move away from pain, it can be extremely difficult to turn toward our pain, to hold it, to be with it as it is. This is why so many people shut themselves off from their emotions. It’s a very natural thing to do.” pg. 82

“Our emotional suffering is caused by our desire for things to be other than they are. The more we resist the fact of what is happening right now, the more we suffer. Pain is like a gaseous substance. If you allow it to just be there, freely, it will eventually dissipate on its own. If you fight and resist the pain, however, walling it into a confined space, the pressure will grow and grow until there is an explosion.” pg. 94

“Pain is unavoidable; suffering is optional.” pg. 94

“In the natural environment, negative information usually signals a threat. If we don’t notice that crocodile lurking in the banks of the river immediately, we’ll soon become his lunch. Our brains evolved to be highly sensitive to negative information so that the fight-or-flight response could be triggered quickly and easily in the brain’s amygdala, meaning that our chances of taking action to ensure our survival would be maximized. Positive information isn’t as crucial to immediate survival as it is to long-term survival. Noticing that the river has fresh, clean water is important, especially if you’re thirsty or deciding on a place to camp, but there’s not the same urgency to act on these data. Thus, our brains give less time and attention to positive than to negative information. As Rick Hanson, author of The Buddha’s Brain, says, ‘our brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones.’ We tend to take the positive for granted while focusing on the negative as if our life depended on it.” pg. 110-111

“Once our minds latch on to negative thoughts, they tend to repeat over and over again like a broken record player. This process is called ‘rumination’ (the same word that’s used for a cow chewing the cud) and involves a recurrent, intrusive, and uncontrollable style of thinking that can cause both depression and anxiety. Rumination about negative events in the past leads to depression, while rumination about potentially negative events in the future leads to anxiety. This is why depression and anxiety so often go hand in hand; they both stem from the underlying tendency to ruminate.” pg. 111

“If you are someone who tends to ruminate, or who suffers from anxiety and depression, it’s important that you don’t judge yourself for this way of being. Remember that rumination on negative thoughts and emotions stems from the underlying desire to be safe. Even though these brain patterns may be counterproductive, we can still honor them for trying so diligently to keep us out of the jaws of that crocodile. Also remember that although some people tend to ruminate more than others, all people have a negativity bias to some extent. It’s hardwired in our brains.” pg. 111-112

“The attempt to suppress unwanted thoughts causes them to emerge into conscious awareness more strongly and more frequently than if they were given attention in the first place.” pg. 117

“Research shows that people with higher levels of self-compassion are significantly less likely to suppress unwanted thoughts and emotions than those who lack self-compassion. They’re more willing to experience their difficult feelings and to acknowledge that their emotions are valid and important. This is because of the safety provided by self-compassion. It’s not as scary to confront emotional pain when you know that you will be supported throughout the process. Just as it feels easier to open up to a close friend whom you can rely on to be caring and understanding, it’s easier to open up to yourself when you can trust that your pain will be held in compassionate awareness.” pg. 117

“The beauty of self-compassion is that instead of replacing negative feelings with positive ones, new positive emotions are generated by embracing the negative ones. The positive emotions of care and connectedness are felt alongside our painful feelings. When we have compassion for ourselves, sunshine and shadow are both experienced simultaneously. This is important—ensuring that the fuel of resistance isn’t added to the fire of negativity. It also allows us to celebrate the entire range of human experience, so that we can become whole. As Marcel Proust said, ‘We are healed from suffering only by experiencing it to the full.’” pg. 117-118

“this is a moment of suffering.
Suffering is part of life.
May I be kind to myself in this moment.
May I give myself the compassion I need.” pg. 119

“. . . to accept and acknowledge the fact that sometimes, life does suck. But we don’t have to make things worse than they already are. The key to self-compassion is not to deny suffering, but to recognize that it’s perfectly normal. There isn’t anything wrong with the imperfection of life as long as we don’t expect it to be other than it is.” pg. 121

“If Jim was more comfortable with the fact that he might fail even when he did his best, he wouldn’t have to self-sabotage in order to save his ego when he did fail. And failure of some sort is inevitable when we only make a halfhearted effort.” pg. 165

“Unlike self-criticism, which asks if you’re good enough, self-compassion asks what’s good for you? Self-compassion taps into your inner desire to be healthy and happy. If you care about yourself, you’ll do what you need to do in order to learn and grow. You’ll want to change unhelpful patterns of behavior, even if that means giving up certain things you like for a while.” pg. 165-166

“Far from being a form of self-indulgence, self-compassion and real achievement go hand in hand. Self-compassion inspires us to pursue our dreams and creates the brave, confident, curious, and resilient mind-set that allows us to actually achieve them.” pg. 170-171

“Because we are so emotionally vulnerable in close relationships, because our inner selves are laid so bare, we often feel insecure about whether others are judging us. When we stop judging and evaluating ourselves, however, we don’t need to worry so much about others’ approval and can instead focus on meeting the emotional needs of others.” pg. 190

“Pain and dysfunction get passed down from generation to generation. A mixture of genetic inheritance and environmental circumstance ensures that our lives unfold according to a complex web of conditions that is infinitely larger than ourselves. The only way to stop the vicious cycle of reacting to pain by causing more pain is to step out of the system. We need to let our hearts fill with compassion, and forgive ourselves and others.” pg. 198

“It’s important to remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning bad behavior, or that we need to interact with people who have hurt us. Discriminating wisdom clearly sees when an action is harmful or maladaptive, and when we need to protect ourselves from those with bad intentions. However, it also understands that all people are imperfect, that we all make mistakes. It understands that people often act out of ignorance, immaturity, fear, or irrational impulses, and that we shouldn’t judge people for their actions as if they had full conscious control over them. And even in those cases where people are cognizant of the harm they are causing, the question still needs to be asked—what happened to make them lose touch with their hearts? What wound occurred to lead to such cold and callous behavior? What’s their story?” pg. 199

Book: borrowed from SSF Main Library.

Super interesting but I do feel like the last half was a repeat of the first.
Loved the personal stories too.

There is little surprise why Kristin Neff has gained a world-wide reputation with her energetic researching of the benefits of self-compassion... this seminal work is both life changing and at the same time very human and quite often funny...

As a type A, super achiever, who has hit 51 and despite "having it all" with a great family, partner and life as a physician, is still at a bit of a loss about all this "happiness" people keep talking about -- the concept of needing to be anything but "hard driving, damn the pain" has been an eye opener, much less the idea of being compassionate with yourself and not having to fix all of my faults...

if you are a performance junky like me... read this book... and read it again... I certainly intend to... as an aside, LOL and perhaps in my type A way... I also listened to the book tape, which is excellent (awesome reader), AND took the online 8 week course, which again I strongly recommend...

Just do it...

Even though I've read this book several times (usually along with my clients), Kristin Neff remains a guru in self-compassion research. Her book is full of both relevant science and gentle understanding around the nature of self-compassion, how to develop it, and also how to better understand individual and culture barriers to that journey. It's a book for everyone. As a therapist (ha!) I can't help myself but to recommend it. (4/5 stars.)

I’ve been reading this book for months. I took it really slow and read only small parts at a time, which is often how I read “self help” types of books.

Self-compassion is not something that comes naturally to me. It’s something I need to work on and this book gave me lots of guidance and insight into self-compassion. I don’t feel this was the most well-written book, but it gets the point across. This is definitely a topic I will revisit.