This is kind of a hard book to rate. Overall the information is very helpful, and I can see how self-compassion will help me going forward. But I didn't like a lot of the author's side remarks and her complaints of being the mother of an autistic son. It was also quite repetitive and the narrator made me want to fall asleep sometimes lol. Overall I learned a lot though. 

Really really helpful, makes me think I might actually deserve to feel better and it doesn’t have to always be like that. Good exercises and I don’t have to lie to myself to make myself feel better. Only gripe with it is the way she describes her autistic son and autism in general. Sometimes it’s okay or even pretty good but then sometimes it feels really triggering. I don’t like how she focuses so much on how it impacts HER life and how hard it is for HER that he doesn’t have any friends and so on. Nothing about how much HE struggles. And though this thing they did seemingly helped him (though even that is doubtful imo), it’s a dangerous narrative to perpetuate that doing some rituals will heal someone of their autism and it’s also plain insulting.

The high rating despite that speaks to how great the rest of the content is, even if the author herself doesn’t seem to be a very likeable person. Her cheating and general imoral behaviour made me grimace not just once. I wish she would’ve gone a bit easier on personal anecdotes, it didn’t do her any favours, and focused more on the examples of other people.

But still, the ideas in this book have the potential to change many lives to the better so I’m putting my personal feelings to the side for a fair rating.

I get the feeling when people talk down about self-help as a genre, this is the type of book they may be thinking of. I had a really hard time reading and rating with this one. While Neff's ideas are important and the book is not without it's useful tidbits and information, I found Neff's writing to be incredibly grating. I wish I had picked up a book about this topic by someone else. I know Neff has really been the originator of a lot of the discussions on self-compassion, but I can't abide a book with a sentence that starts "Jesus famously said..."

I know for some this review already is mean and reeks of bitterness. And believe me, the irony is not lost on me. But the amount Neff uses her own life as proof of concept means it's fair game for a review. Certainly, her use of personal circumstance weakens her points and makes her feel...a little insufferable. From excusing her cheating on her husband, to wanting her autistic child to be "normal" to then monetizing said child in her husband's book deal, a lot of her actions work against her point that self-compassion is not selfish. Logically, I know self-compassion is not, but as a reader, it makes it hard to buy what she is selling. (There is also a level of privilege here that makes these stories very hard to relate to. To be fair, one of self-helps weaknesses as a genre is a hesitancy to mention the systems that work against readers.)

The content that is not personal stories, often feels a little schlocky. This is made better by the inclusion of concrete exercises. I think most of these are well-designed exercises, even if many exist in the realm of CBT or meditation practices. I feel a workbook of just these would be worth having. I appreciate her mentioning that many of her practices/exercises are tied to certain Eastern religious practices.

I'd also like to flag that I am annoyed with the general conversations around self-esteem. Self-esteem is incomplete but I've yet to see a true nuanced take on it. I could just still be bitter about my last read, The Confidence Code, which took a similar approach. Neff is a bit better here by saying that there are both destructive and positive versions of self-esteem. I wish she’d gone a little bit further in breaking down the why.

What is of value in this book is the level of practicality in some of her advice. I wish it wasn’t as surrounded by fluff. But Neff is giving you exactly what to say to yourself and how to queue up more positive thought. Many self-help can be theoretical and ethereal. I like that she is giving you something to hold onto, even if I will not be calling myself “darling”. The Rosenburg question set is a particularly great guide to how to deal with time where you are likely to self-criticize. I do not have a child or a partner so cannot speak to the effectiveness there, but the parenting section did seem to give some actionable advice.

Unfortunately, even with all that the experience of reading this fell flat for me, and eventually, I had to switch to the audiobook and put it on 2.5 speed to make it through this. I think many people who need a primer on this material or action goals would find it more rewarding.