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A review by kaleighbasso
Like Love: Essays and Conversations by Maggie Nelson
Did not finish book. Stopped at 25%.
Damn near unreadable at my current comprehension level.
I am going to mark the essays that aren’t about niche pieces of media so that when I revisit later I can just skip those but right now my brain won’t allow me to skip chapters.
I need to unpack why I’m unwilling to make things easier for myself and why I feel less accomplished if I “take the easy way out”. Skipping an essay that I’m not comprehending AT ALL is not “cheating”. I don’t not have to white knuckle my way through a chapter just to feel like I earned the right to something i can’t even name. Who am i competing with? What’s the point of this struggle? Is it helping me or hurting me? Does it even matter if i don’t know what pharmacopornographia means or its relevance to the culture?
I do feel like I’ve tied the worth of my intelligence to something that’s unsustainable. Something something about the nature of tracking every thing from habits to the books I’m reading has rotted my ability to just consume media and be present in my thoughts. I’m not asking myself “is this something that is productive for me to continue with?” instead I’m thinking “if i don’t finish this because it’s unreadable to me in my current stage of life then I am not as smart as I think i should be.” And wow what a mess to untangle!
There’s also something here about using my mutuals’ ability to comprehend and finish a book like this as a measuring stick for my own intelligence. I’m surrounded by some incredibly smart people who have an understanding of theory and a praxis to back it up. It’s intimidating but in a way that makes me want to do better but also in a way that makes me very insecure about my role in these spaces. Am i supposed to contribute to conversations or absorb them? What happens if i can’t do either right now? Where are the gaps that I need to fill in my own understanding?
There’s also the very simple and important realization that this is *just* a book of analytical essays and conversations about things that aren’t urgent. Important, sure, but not urgent. It’s okay to put it down and move on.
I am going to mark the essays that aren’t about niche pieces of media so that when I revisit later I can just skip those but right now my brain won’t allow me to skip chapters.
I need to unpack why I’m unwilling to make things easier for myself and why I feel less accomplished if I “take the easy way out”. Skipping an essay that I’m not comprehending AT ALL is not “cheating”. I don’t not have to white knuckle my way through a chapter just to feel like I earned the right to something i can’t even name. Who am i competing with? What’s the point of this struggle? Is it helping me or hurting me? Does it even matter if i don’t know what pharmacopornographia means or its relevance to the culture?
I do feel like I’ve tied the worth of my intelligence to something that’s unsustainable. Something something about the nature of tracking every thing from habits to the books I’m reading has rotted my ability to just consume media and be present in my thoughts. I’m not asking myself “is this something that is productive for me to continue with?” instead I’m thinking “if i don’t finish this because it’s unreadable to me in my current stage of life then I am not as smart as I think i should be.” And wow what a mess to untangle!
There’s also something here about using my mutuals’ ability to comprehend and finish a book like this as a measuring stick for my own intelligence. I’m surrounded by some incredibly smart people who have an understanding of theory and a praxis to back it up. It’s intimidating but in a way that makes me want to do better but also in a way that makes me very insecure about my role in these spaces. Am i supposed to contribute to conversations or absorb them? What happens if i can’t do either right now? Where are the gaps that I need to fill in my own understanding?
There’s also the very simple and important realization that this is *just* a book of analytical essays and conversations about things that aren’t urgent. Important, sure, but not urgent. It’s okay to put it down and move on.