TW: emotional abuse by a parent, childhood sexual abuse, anxiety/panic attacks, racism.

I have to admit, reading some of this book was hard work because of how closely Kiko and her mother's relationship mirrors that one I had growing up. Being belittled, even when that person doesn't realize it and especially when they do, makes it difficult to survive sometimes. I had some flashbacks when Kiko's mother was being narcissitic and petty, reminding me of the past. I will say that as painful as those moments were, and I'd caution those with emotional abuse in their past when reading Starfish, Akemi Dawn Bowman wrote them very authentically.

It's easy to see the affect that Kiko's mother's treatment of her has on her everyday life, particularly one moment when she's at a fair with Jamie, a childhood friend. He's a photography major who's practicing and, when she looks at a picture he takes of her that night, all she can see is the things "wrong" with her face: the shape of her nose, the shade of her hair, etc. She can't not pick herself apart, even thinking about how it's no wonder her mother has been telling her she's going through a "funky" stage. These moments hurt and strike home with each page how badly things have gone in Kiko's past and present.

The relationship that develops between Kiko and Jaime was a good one in that a) it didn't feel like insta-love and b) it didn't magically make Kiko's problems go away. There have been some mental illness books and movies that make it seem like falling in love will make everything better, but Kiko doesn't do that. She actually recognizes, when she's with Jamie and considering the future that she's be really dependent on him because of how he makes her feel and, while she believes she might love him, doesn't want their love to be based on him taking care of her. It's a hard choice for her to make, but she makes the decision to take care of herself first. There's a RuPaul quote that's perfect for this moment, I think:

If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?

Things aren't magically better at the end with Kiko's mother either and that was a powerful statement because things don't always get better. You can try and reach out, but there are people that just can't be helped. I really felt for Kiko when she kept trying to reach out to her mother, trying to get her to care about Kiko and her art, hoping that maybe this time will be different. Being able to break away from a toxic environment like that can be insanely hard, but she does it and starts moving forward.

I was happy for the epilogue wherein there was more closure than I was expecting. It gives a glimpse into the life that Kiko is creating on her own now. Learning to accept help, learning to love herself, and recognizing that doing all that doesn't mean that her anxiety, the pressure she feels to please others and say sorry, will go away and that's okay. It's a one day at a time thing and she's taking those steps.



I received a copy of this book from the publisher via NetGalley/Rich in Variety Tours in exchange for an honest review.