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A review by horrorbutch
Shame-Sex Attraction: Survivors' Stories of Conversion Therapy by Lucas Wilson
5.0
Disclaimer: I received an e-ARC from netgalley in exchange for a review.
This anthology collects short biographical texts from various authors, who have undergone conversion therapy and how it affected them, most often while it was happening, but sometimes also what they experienced afterwards.
The introduction gives an overview on conversion practices, its history and a few laws surrounding it. It also tells us which stories we can expect in this anthology and that they very often come from a religious background. Most of the authors come from a Christian background, but there is also one author featured who comes from an orthodox Jewish background and one, who describes his life as growing up in a cult. There are no trans women in this anthology (except once a trans man meets a person speaking at an event that formerly identified as a trans woman) and while I was glad to see some trans men and both afab and amab nonbinary people featured here, I do believe that that is another very big oversight. Especially since the pieces by amab nonbinary people in here focused on their attraction to men, I feel an inclusion of the conversion therapy practiced on trans women and transfeminine individuals for their femininity could have been interesting. It also doesn’t feature asexual people and how conversion therapy is used against them. While the afterword acknowledges that voices from different communities are lacking (particularly from the global south, Muslim, 2-spirit, non-religious, intersex, non-white), I just found it a bit weird that there was no acknowledgement of the trans women missing from this collection.
While I do overall think there should have been more diversity in voices here, I did enjoy the diversity of ages and times when people underwent conversion therapy, spanning from the 1980s to 2017. While most of them happened a while ago, I do understand that it may be hard for people, who have just recently gone through conversion therapy to talk about it.
The writing style was interesting and if you are looking for short biographical pieces from people who survived various forms of conversion practices (from self-inflicted attempts to teenagers forced into institutions, from ‘therapeutical’ attempts to exorcism) there is a lot presented here. All in all, I enjoyed reading it and despite my issues with the voices that I found to be lacking, this was a heartbreaking and touching read and one that I think is deeply necessary considering the fact that conservatives are desperately trying to make conversion therapy (particularly for trans kids) acceptable again.
Most pieces feature homo- or transphobia language and so I didn’t include them in my trigger warnings for each piece, but you can find other trigger warnings and a short description of each piece here:
Sniffing the Gay Away by Gregory Elsasser-Chavez: A short description of an attempt at aversion therapy where the therapist told the participant to smell feces. What was most heartbreaking was the way the author attempted it so desperately hoping that this would cure him.
TW: fatphobia, disorder eating mention, unsanitary
Self-Destruction by D. Apple: A really interesting text about a queer kid growing up having attempted conversion therapy on herself, spiraling into an obsession with control and finally managing to break this apart in therapy. Very touching.
TW: depression, mention of drug-addiction, controlling behavior
Breathless by Peter Nunn: In this story a 15-year-old boy is taken to conversion therapy by his father. The real horror only begins after he has gotten out to live with his family again, now carrying self-loathing and hatred inside him.
TW: suicide attempt, depression
Psychological Striptease by Chaim J. Levin: In this short story the author faces conversion therapy in his orthodox Jewish community by a life coach. It was a quite interesting approach to story telling, but I would have liked this story to be a bit longer.
TW: sexual coercion
The Rage to Live by Jordan Sullivan: A young child growing up with sexual desires he believes to be sinful and wrong due to his conversative upbringing and a time skip to his later realization what those feelings where and attempts to fix himself after he has grown up. I also found the look into how damaging the idea that being gay or trans is something caused by faulty upbringing can be to familial relationships. Very heartbreaking, but I am so thankful that this one had a happy end.
TW: depression, suicide attempt
Away and Away by Nathan Xie: A short piece about conversion therapy in a cult and the way financial dependency keeps children trapped in abusive families.
The Script We’re Given by Lexie Bean: A short conversation between a child and a mother after the child has announced they want to get top surgery through an article on facebook. A more modern look at conversion practices, even though it didn’t come to actual therapy here, it very beautifully illustrated the way people on the outside often assume trans related surgeries are “rushed into”, when for the people themselves those are things, they have often thought about for a long time.
Something in the Soda by Megan Poirier: In this story the author’s attempts at conversion therapy began in 2013 during a service by ex-gay preachers. Reading about the whiplash of the author from finally finding a word to describe what she was feeling to being deeply drenched in shame and self-hatred was heartbreaking to read.
TW: eating disorders
The Calling by Kim Kemmis: A very interesting look into the life of a man, who preaches that conversion therapy works, through his unique perspective as a bisexual, married man and the way questions are raised for him during a trip to another conversion therapy event in America.
TW: sexual assault
The Boy Who Danced For God’s General by Jonathon Sawyer: A heartbreaking depiction of a young man who underwent a violent exorcism to rid him of gay demons. The public shaming involved in these rituals and the trauma presented here was quite tough to read.
TW: dissociation, physical assault
Into the Dark by Chris Csabs: A very upsetting look into the life of a man, who through attempts at conversion therapy, has become deeply detached from his own body. The descriptions of dissociation in here where really hard and heartbreaking to read.
TW: dissociation
Deliver Us From Evil by Rick Danielson: A man, who as a last attempt at ridding himself of his gay thoughts attempts an exorcism. Really interesting in it’s immediately knowledge that this doesn’t feel right.
Exodus of Shame by Syre Klenke: A young trans man is forced by his family to attend conversion therapy but soon finds himself unable to believe in any of the things they are teaching, as their narratives never work for him. This was a very interesting look at conversion therapy and how different levels of personal resilience and self-acceptance can mean a world of difference in if conversion therapy works on you or not.
TW: self-harm, csa
Behind Closet Doors by Colin Bland: A short story about a young person seeking conversion therapy for being attracted to men and being too feminine as a teenager in an attempt to avoid further bullying and harassment. The leading questions reported here where sickening including the way the therapist here insinuated that by coming out people would assume the teenager was abusing their younger brother.
TW: mentions of csa and incest
Convert by Gemma Hickey: In this story an activist showcases the way they overcame conversion practices in their youth and fought to get it banned as an adult. The mental pressure that conversion practices place on children is horrible and I am so happy to hear that they survived and managed to grow up to fight it.
TW: suicide attempt
Setting Captives Free by Tyler Krumland: The author reflects on his experiences signing up to an online conversion course and the way his assigned mentor there treated him. The psychological abuse described here was hard to read, but I did like that the author was able to look back at this now that the course has been discontinued. It is always good to hear about things changing.
Gay Christian Speed Dating by Lucas F. W. Wilson: In this story the author connects with another man during a group meeting for those trying to overcome same-sex attraction. It was kind of horrific to read about the way women are talked about in these circles as the only available sexual outlet for men (where masturbation alone is already vilified)
This anthology collects short biographical texts from various authors, who have undergone conversion therapy and how it affected them, most often while it was happening, but sometimes also what they experienced afterwards.
The introduction gives an overview on conversion practices, its history and a few laws surrounding it. It also tells us which stories we can expect in this anthology and that they very often come from a religious background. Most of the authors come from a Christian background, but there is also one author featured who comes from an orthodox Jewish background and one, who describes his life as growing up in a cult. There are no trans women in this anthology (except once a trans man meets a person speaking at an event that formerly identified as a trans woman) and while I was glad to see some trans men and both afab and amab nonbinary people featured here, I do believe that that is another very big oversight. Especially since the pieces by amab nonbinary people in here focused on their attraction to men, I feel an inclusion of the conversion therapy practiced on trans women and transfeminine individuals for their femininity could have been interesting. It also doesn’t feature asexual people and how conversion therapy is used against them. While the afterword acknowledges that voices from different communities are lacking (particularly from the global south, Muslim, 2-spirit, non-religious, intersex, non-white), I just found it a bit weird that there was no acknowledgement of the trans women missing from this collection.
While I do overall think there should have been more diversity in voices here, I did enjoy the diversity of ages and times when people underwent conversion therapy, spanning from the 1980s to 2017. While most of them happened a while ago, I do understand that it may be hard for people, who have just recently gone through conversion therapy to talk about it.
The writing style was interesting and if you are looking for short biographical pieces from people who survived various forms of conversion practices (from self-inflicted attempts to teenagers forced into institutions, from ‘therapeutical’ attempts to exorcism) there is a lot presented here. All in all, I enjoyed reading it and despite my issues with the voices that I found to be lacking, this was a heartbreaking and touching read and one that I think is deeply necessary considering the fact that conservatives are desperately trying to make conversion therapy (particularly for trans kids) acceptable again.
Most pieces feature homo- or transphobia language and so I didn’t include them in my trigger warnings for each piece, but you can find other trigger warnings and a short description of each piece here:
Sniffing the Gay Away by Gregory Elsasser-Chavez: A short description of an attempt at aversion therapy where the therapist told the participant to smell feces. What was most heartbreaking was the way the author attempted it so desperately hoping that this would cure him.
TW: fatphobia, disorder eating mention, unsanitary
Self-Destruction by D. Apple: A really interesting text about a queer kid growing up having attempted conversion therapy on herself, spiraling into an obsession with control and finally managing to break this apart in therapy. Very touching.
TW: depression, mention of drug-addiction, controlling behavior
Breathless by Peter Nunn: In this story a 15-year-old boy is taken to conversion therapy by his father. The real horror only begins after he has gotten out to live with his family again, now carrying self-loathing and hatred inside him.
TW: suicide attempt, depression
Psychological Striptease by Chaim J. Levin: In this short story the author faces conversion therapy in his orthodox Jewish community by a life coach. It was a quite interesting approach to story telling, but I would have liked this story to be a bit longer.
TW: sexual coercion
The Rage to Live by Jordan Sullivan: A young child growing up with sexual desires he believes to be sinful and wrong due to his conversative upbringing and a time skip to his later realization what those feelings where and attempts to fix himself after he has grown up. I also found the look into how damaging the idea that being gay or trans is something caused by faulty upbringing can be to familial relationships. Very heartbreaking, but I am so thankful that this one had a happy end.
TW: depression, suicide attempt
Away and Away by Nathan Xie: A short piece about conversion therapy in a cult and the way financial dependency keeps children trapped in abusive families.
The Script We’re Given by Lexie Bean: A short conversation between a child and a mother after the child has announced they want to get top surgery through an article on facebook. A more modern look at conversion practices, even though it didn’t come to actual therapy here, it very beautifully illustrated the way people on the outside often assume trans related surgeries are “rushed into”, when for the people themselves those are things, they have often thought about for a long time.
Something in the Soda by Megan Poirier: In this story the author’s attempts at conversion therapy began in 2013 during a service by ex-gay preachers. Reading about the whiplash of the author from finally finding a word to describe what she was feeling to being deeply drenched in shame and self-hatred was heartbreaking to read.
TW: eating disorders
The Calling by Kim Kemmis: A very interesting look into the life of a man, who preaches that conversion therapy works, through his unique perspective as a bisexual, married man and the way questions are raised for him during a trip to another conversion therapy event in America.
TW: sexual assault
The Boy Who Danced For God’s General by Jonathon Sawyer: A heartbreaking depiction of a young man who underwent a violent exorcism to rid him of gay demons. The public shaming involved in these rituals and the trauma presented here was quite tough to read.
TW: dissociation, physical assault
Into the Dark by Chris Csabs: A very upsetting look into the life of a man, who through attempts at conversion therapy, has become deeply detached from his own body. The descriptions of dissociation in here where really hard and heartbreaking to read.
TW: dissociation
Deliver Us From Evil by Rick Danielson: A man, who as a last attempt at ridding himself of his gay thoughts attempts an exorcism. Really interesting in it’s immediately knowledge that this doesn’t feel right.
Exodus of Shame by Syre Klenke: A young trans man is forced by his family to attend conversion therapy but soon finds himself unable to believe in any of the things they are teaching, as their narratives never work for him. This was a very interesting look at conversion therapy and how different levels of personal resilience and self-acceptance can mean a world of difference in if conversion therapy works on you or not.
TW: self-harm, csa
Behind Closet Doors by Colin Bland: A short story about a young person seeking conversion therapy for being attracted to men and being too feminine as a teenager in an attempt to avoid further bullying and harassment. The leading questions reported here where sickening including the way the therapist here insinuated that by coming out people would assume the teenager was abusing their younger brother.
TW: mentions of csa and incest
Convert by Gemma Hickey: In this story an activist showcases the way they overcame conversion practices in their youth and fought to get it banned as an adult. The mental pressure that conversion practices place on children is horrible and I am so happy to hear that they survived and managed to grow up to fight it.
TW: suicide attempt
Setting Captives Free by Tyler Krumland: The author reflects on his experiences signing up to an online conversion course and the way his assigned mentor there treated him. The psychological abuse described here was hard to read, but I did like that the author was able to look back at this now that the course has been discontinued. It is always good to hear about things changing.
Gay Christian Speed Dating by Lucas F. W. Wilson: In this story the author connects with another man during a group meeting for those trying to overcome same-sex attraction. It was kind of horrific to read about the way women are talked about in these circles as the only available sexual outlet for men (where masturbation alone is already vilified)