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A review by foosreadsandwrites
The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by bell hooks
5.0
bell hooks offers an insightful look at men’s psyches as they grow with patriarchy as the dominant social model in their lives. A lot of the 6 hours of listening was devoted to the argument that men should be included in feminist discussions of liberation from patriarchy, as they are also harmed.
Some key ideas that will stick with me:
-patriarchy, as used in this text, is similar to the way we use “toxic masculinity” these days. It is the traditional model for men to be providers, warriors, and the default leaders in their families and communities.
-patriarchal masculinity can be defined as disconnection. It is a defining characteristic of what makes a man a man—the silent sufferer, quiet and strong and maybe brooding.
-men suffer a split-personality under patriarchy, expected to present toughness to the world, while internally fighting the desire to show our true feelings.
-many young men show a desire to be emotionally well, but they are clobbered into submission every time they show weakness and are met with disdain or abandonment.
-bell hooks calls for women and enlightened men to lead hurting men to healing, but acknowledges that “the will to change” is up to the individual man, and many will choose to remain in the system that they were raised to understand instead of engaging in the painful work of healing.
-men will need to lean into their pain to discover the places they were told their true self is not presentable, and feel the pain they’ve caused when perpetuating patriarchy themselves.
Some ideas I’m still thinking about:
- men are definitely more able to share their emotions now, but I still feel that a huge segment of American men (or just men that I know) foster two selves: an internal, secret self, and an external, presented self for everyone else. They only reveal their secret self to strangers, and very rarely allow their real community glimpses into it for fear of being ostracized or looked down on (and that’s not an unfounded fear).
-shame is a HUGE motivator for men under patriarchal masculinity. I really enjoy being an unashamed non-bro-y kind of guy at work, where a lot of my students are introduced to a less traditional man for the first time. I am not gay, I am not a typical dude, and they do not have a box to put me in, so they mostly just feel confused. I think it is a good confusion—hopefully, it makes them feel that there are many safe ways to be a man, and it is possible to live less traditionally and still be respected and in community.
-boys are emotional when they are angry, and that’s allowed. Boys are emotional in sports and with their moms. Boys are sometimes emotional with their girlfriend, but girls also might not date a boy who cries publicly or might make fun of them for being too sensitive when they show their emotional pain.
- I am begging our culture to stop describing attractive or fulfilled men as male stereotypes. Often, that is what keeps men in patriarchal masculinity—a belief that they won’t be loved as themselves. Instead they have to pretend to be confident and pretend to be ruggedly untouched by the world, because those are the things that get rewarded.
- The shift from traditional masculinity needs to be toward wholeness, not a new masculinity. I wish bell hooks had been more explicit about that. There’s not a “new masculinity” that is better. It is the commitment to learning about ourselves and acting accordingly that will heal us and create a new us, not a commitment to some new prescriptive version of masculinity.
Those are all my many thoughts for tonight.
Some key ideas that will stick with me:
-patriarchy, as used in this text, is similar to the way we use “toxic masculinity” these days. It is the traditional model for men to be providers, warriors, and the default leaders in their families and communities.
-patriarchal masculinity can be defined as disconnection. It is a defining characteristic of what makes a man a man—the silent sufferer, quiet and strong and maybe brooding.
-men suffer a split-personality under patriarchy, expected to present toughness to the world, while internally fighting the desire to show our true feelings.
-many young men show a desire to be emotionally well, but they are clobbered into submission every time they show weakness and are met with disdain or abandonment.
-bell hooks calls for women and enlightened men to lead hurting men to healing, but acknowledges that “the will to change” is up to the individual man, and many will choose to remain in the system that they were raised to understand instead of engaging in the painful work of healing.
-men will need to lean into their pain to discover the places they were told their true self is not presentable, and feel the pain they’ve caused when perpetuating patriarchy themselves.
Some ideas I’m still thinking about:
- men are definitely more able to share their emotions now, but I still feel that a huge segment of American men (or just men that I know) foster two selves: an internal, secret self, and an external, presented self for everyone else. They only reveal their secret self to strangers, and very rarely allow their real community glimpses into it for fear of being ostracized or looked down on (and that’s not an unfounded fear).
-shame is a HUGE motivator for men under patriarchal masculinity. I really enjoy being an unashamed non-bro-y kind of guy at work, where a lot of my students are introduced to a less traditional man for the first time. I am not gay, I am not a typical dude, and they do not have a box to put me in, so they mostly just feel confused. I think it is a good confusion—hopefully, it makes them feel that there are many safe ways to be a man, and it is possible to live less traditionally and still be respected and in community.
-boys are emotional when they are angry, and that’s allowed. Boys are emotional in sports and with their moms. Boys are sometimes emotional with their girlfriend, but girls also might not date a boy who cries publicly or might make fun of them for being too sensitive when they show their emotional pain.
- I am begging our culture to stop describing attractive or fulfilled men as male stereotypes. Often, that is what keeps men in patriarchal masculinity—a belief that they won’t be loved as themselves. Instead they have to pretend to be confident and pretend to be ruggedly untouched by the world, because those are the things that get rewarded.
- The shift from traditional masculinity needs to be toward wholeness, not a new masculinity. I wish bell hooks had been more explicit about that. There’s not a “new masculinity” that is better. It is the commitment to learning about ourselves and acting accordingly that will heal us and create a new us, not a commitment to some new prescriptive version of masculinity.
Those are all my many thoughts for tonight.