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A review by butchriarchy
The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick J. Carnes
1.0
I have to say that while I saw a lot of sense and meaning in what he said in most of the book, I can't endorse it because of this foolishness that a victim can become a victimizer in the same relationship. Not sorry to say that an abuse victim trying to defend themself or acting desperately within an abusive relationship does not mean they switch roles with their abuser.
I was also profoundly uncomfortable with the frequent resorts to calling remaining in an abusive relationship "insanity" as this is always meant to placate trauma victims into trusting their judgment and reality, but it also has the effect of shaming those who, in a different way yet still deserving of sympathy, lose touch with reality. I have found that therapists and well-meaning people in general do this to assure them that they are not "crazy" with the effect of saying something along the lines of "Well, it's not like you're one of Those psychos," effectively throwing psychotic people under the bus who also very frequently have PTSD or a history of trauma.
Another thing which bothered me but which I feel I have not enough knowledge to argue with is this insistence on framing compulsive reenactment and loyalty to an abuser as "addiction" (when it's not an actual addiction to alcohol or drugs). I feel like it's a sensitive topic as addicts are already shamed and misunderstood.
There's also the unfortunate and damaging misconception that abused people almost always inevitably become abusers themselves. I am very sure that this is a debunked myth, or at least one which has dubious statistics. I lean more to believe it's false. Of course it must happen, but this book seems to push onto the reader that it's a nearly universal thing, even pushing this ludicrous idea that someone in an abusive relationship has some responsibility in the harm that the abuser caused them, basically a form of victim blaming under the guise of a self-help book.
It did make me realize a few things about a relatively recent situation I was in, though, but I felt like I could have done that without this book at the same time.
I was also profoundly uncomfortable with the frequent resorts to calling remaining in an abusive relationship "insanity" as this is always meant to placate trauma victims into trusting their judgment and reality, but it also has the effect of shaming those who, in a different way yet still deserving of sympathy, lose touch with reality. I have found that therapists and well-meaning people in general do this to assure them that they are not "crazy" with the effect of saying something along the lines of "Well, it's not like you're one of Those psychos," effectively throwing psychotic people under the bus who also very frequently have PTSD or a history of trauma.
Another thing which bothered me but which I feel I have not enough knowledge to argue with is this insistence on framing compulsive reenactment and loyalty to an abuser as "addiction" (when it's not an actual addiction to alcohol or drugs). I feel like it's a sensitive topic as addicts are already shamed and misunderstood.
There's also the unfortunate and damaging misconception that abused people almost always inevitably become abusers themselves. I am very sure that this is a debunked myth, or at least one which has dubious statistics. I lean more to believe it's false. Of course it must happen, but this book seems to push onto the reader that it's a nearly universal thing, even pushing this ludicrous idea that someone in an abusive relationship has some responsibility in the harm that the abuser caused them, basically a form of victim blaming under the guise of a self-help book.
It did make me realize a few things about a relatively recent situation I was in, though, but I felt like I could have done that without this book at the same time.