Scan barcode
A review by 11corvus11
Love in a F*cked-Up World: How to Build Relationships, Hook Up, and Raise Hell, Together by Dean Spade
5.0
I have immense respect for Dean Spade's work. I especially like how he has branched out from academia further than many people do, creating highly accessible and urgent texts like Mutual Aid and now, Love in a F*cked Up World. I understand why the cover design is the way it is- to grab the attention of a wide audience. But, it made me think that it might not be for me. (Also, I just hate yellow for reasons I can't articulate.) Despite having chosen not to seek out romantic or sexual relationships many years ago, I figured why not give this a go even if it didn't apply to my current situation. Don't let the cover fool you into thinking this is another romantic relationship advice book. Spade even anticipates the hesitation some folks, especially radicals, may have. He urges the reader to remain open minded to a self help book being more than an "...individualistic... liberal, bougie... distraction from collective action." This book takes all the good little nuggets from various self help and communication books, sorts out all of the garbage, and then translates it all into something very wise and healing.
Even as someone who doesn't have intentions in the near future to date, I desperately needed this book for all other relationships in my life. Even moreso, I needed this book years (decades?) ago when mired in polyamorous organizing and kink communities. I needed it so much that I had to grieve a bit while reading for my former, ignorant self and anyone around me.
Even on a good day, I'm someone who craves categories, boxes, clear lines, and knowing exactly how to quantify the harm I've caused, could cause, and to predict that which will come to me in any situation. My mental health tends to make this far worse than the average person, essentially leading to isolation. I judge situations, myself, and sometimes others harshly in order to avoid further trauma and out of fear that I will cause it. This book gave me permission to let go of that. It was an exercise in self awareness and understanding of others while telling me that it's ok to find the grey area.
I won't pretend I'm cured of OCD/PTSD in 326 pages of reading, but this book ended up being a really good complement to my exposure therapy exercises, especially socially. Spade manages to write a relationship book that centers radicals, queers, leftists, etc rather than simply including us in the margins as other relationship books do (if they do at all.) As a result, anti-aurhoritarianism ends up being centered, leading to a final product that is a book many of us have been waiting for and needing our entire lives.
I recall that when Sarah Schulman's Conflict is not Abuse came out, many of us were able to ignore some of the flaws because it was a drink of water in the desert. Our communities, much like the larger world, are punishing and full of human beings with diverse needs and backgrounds. Spade urges the reader early on not to filter the book through dominant pop psychology trends in an attempt to ostracize and isolate others. (Lookin at all of the people who call every disagreement "gaslighting narcissism" and whatnot.) Instead, he offers tons of relatable anecdotes (including those from his own life) showing the normal conflicts that occur in many kinds of relationships. These conflicts can be so charged, stressful, and hurtful, that we may jump to what we've learned from larger cultures as solutions- even when it goes against our values. Movements are fractured, healing is impossible, and the whole thing can become a downward spiral taking the connections we desperately need with it. Spade urges us to better understand ourselves and others to better align our relationships with our values.
Like Mutual Aid, LIAFUW is highly readable, accessible, and well organized. I think that perhaps the centering of our communities might take a second for someone outside them to get used to, but not so much so as to be a barrier. I like to hope it will be enlightening, pulling the well intentioned (USAmerican, essentially center right wing) liberal further away from oppression and closer to what they're actually craving.
The best part of this book is the insistence on the importance of differentiation, interdependence, and creating relationships outside of romantic ones. While many exercises and anecdotes do involve romantic conflicts, since we often tend to be our worst selves in those, the sections on friendship and other relationships are refreshing and critical. One of the main reasons I stopped dating was that I realized I had very few nonsexual friendships and had not been single more than maybe 6 months since I was 13. Friendships, in my opinion-especially in adulthood- are harder to create and nurture than romance in a society that prioritizes the latter as the most important thing. Spade does well to show how nourishing friendships is not only important in and of itself, but it also results in all other relationships being healthier.
The only thing I wanted from this book was a little more advice on how to tell when something is actually abuse. There is a small section in the beginning that discusses this difficulty and I do understand why this is outside the scope of this book. I just found myself wondering in some sections, "but what if this behavior is controlling beyond normal conflict?" and "what about people who utilize the freedom in radical communities to prey upon people?" There are many books already written well about this such as Creative Interventions, Beyond Survival, and The Revolution Starts at Home. If you also find yourself wondering about that, I suggest those as complement texts.
I highly recommend this book to anyone really, but especially to leftists and Queers who've become accustomed to relationship books- even those that are supposed to be outside dominant culture- leaving much to be desired, or worse, giving dangerous advice. I see LIAFUW becoming one of those staples on leftist bookshelves that we lend to each other with love and care. I look forward to Spade continuing to expand his writing in ways that allow for larger, stronger, and more diverse movements.
This was also posted to my goodreads and blog.
Even as someone who doesn't have intentions in the near future to date, I desperately needed this book for all other relationships in my life. Even moreso, I needed this book years (decades?) ago when mired in polyamorous organizing and kink communities. I needed it so much that I had to grieve a bit while reading for my former, ignorant self and anyone around me.
Even on a good day, I'm someone who craves categories, boxes, clear lines, and knowing exactly how to quantify the harm I've caused, could cause, and to predict that which will come to me in any situation. My mental health tends to make this far worse than the average person, essentially leading to isolation. I judge situations, myself, and sometimes others harshly in order to avoid further trauma and out of fear that I will cause it. This book gave me permission to let go of that. It was an exercise in self awareness and understanding of others while telling me that it's ok to find the grey area.
I won't pretend I'm cured of OCD/PTSD in 326 pages of reading, but this book ended up being a really good complement to my exposure therapy exercises, especially socially. Spade manages to write a relationship book that centers radicals, queers, leftists, etc rather than simply including us in the margins as other relationship books do (if they do at all.) As a result, anti-aurhoritarianism ends up being centered, leading to a final product that is a book many of us have been waiting for and needing our entire lives.
I recall that when Sarah Schulman's Conflict is not Abuse came out, many of us were able to ignore some of the flaws because it was a drink of water in the desert. Our communities, much like the larger world, are punishing and full of human beings with diverse needs and backgrounds. Spade urges the reader early on not to filter the book through dominant pop psychology trends in an attempt to ostracize and isolate others. (Lookin at all of the people who call every disagreement "gaslighting narcissism" and whatnot.) Instead, he offers tons of relatable anecdotes (including those from his own life) showing the normal conflicts that occur in many kinds of relationships. These conflicts can be so charged, stressful, and hurtful, that we may jump to what we've learned from larger cultures as solutions- even when it goes against our values. Movements are fractured, healing is impossible, and the whole thing can become a downward spiral taking the connections we desperately need with it. Spade urges us to better understand ourselves and others to better align our relationships with our values.
Like Mutual Aid, LIAFUW is highly readable, accessible, and well organized. I think that perhaps the centering of our communities might take a second for someone outside them to get used to, but not so much so as to be a barrier. I like to hope it will be enlightening, pulling the well intentioned (USAmerican, essentially center right wing) liberal further away from oppression and closer to what they're actually craving.
The best part of this book is the insistence on the importance of differentiation, interdependence, and creating relationships outside of romantic ones. While many exercises and anecdotes do involve romantic conflicts, since we often tend to be our worst selves in those, the sections on friendship and other relationships are refreshing and critical. One of the main reasons I stopped dating was that I realized I had very few nonsexual friendships and had not been single more than maybe 6 months since I was 13. Friendships, in my opinion-especially in adulthood- are harder to create and nurture than romance in a society that prioritizes the latter as the most important thing. Spade does well to show how nourishing friendships is not only important in and of itself, but it also results in all other relationships being healthier.
The only thing I wanted from this book was a little more advice on how to tell when something is actually abuse. There is a small section in the beginning that discusses this difficulty and I do understand why this is outside the scope of this book. I just found myself wondering in some sections, "but what if this behavior is controlling beyond normal conflict?" and "what about people who utilize the freedom in radical communities to prey upon people?" There are many books already written well about this such as Creative Interventions, Beyond Survival, and The Revolution Starts at Home. If you also find yourself wondering about that, I suggest those as complement texts.
I highly recommend this book to anyone really, but especially to leftists and Queers who've become accustomed to relationship books- even those that are supposed to be outside dominant culture- leaving much to be desired, or worse, giving dangerous advice. I see LIAFUW becoming one of those staples on leftist bookshelves that we lend to each other with love and care. I look forward to Spade continuing to expand his writing in ways that allow for larger, stronger, and more diverse movements.
This was also posted to my goodreads and blog.